Inside Of Me
by loverof naley
Summary: Haley's thoughts after her long day of heartbreak.Based on 5.10 Running To Stand Still.


**AN- Hey guys, this is just a little insight to what I think Haley may be feeling after everything. I just genuinely feel sad for her as a whole. I frequent some message boards and I really am finding it a little unbelievable at the beating she's taking because of this. I just think it's unwarranted. We all say and do things we don't mean at times of anger and hurt, and I just don't understand how she would be different from any other human being in that aspect. I really believe and have a fear that after everything the show is going to try to make her look like some cruel evil unforgiving bitch after all she's been through. Out of everyone she gets the least attention and never in five seasons have we truly had any real insight on her feelings. It's like what she feels doesn't matter because everyone and thing around her is way more important to her issues. I don't know if it's Joy's acting, but I really see that may be what Haley's thinking so she doesn't bother anyone with her issues. I feel sad for her more then others.**

**I have seen some comments about Haley being different this season, being much hasher and harder. I don't know about the age of most of the viewers with this show. But when terrible things in your life happen you tend to become harder due to circumstances, so I understand. The only difference I have seen with her this season is she seems more closed off, protective. People associate that with her being changed or different. For me it's a hell of a lot more complex then that, which is exactly the problem with the show because you don't get to see what's inside of Haley. She's just there often times, which is sad. People need to give the girl a break. She's even being called a hypocrite. Who isn't at times? Many seem to think just because of what happened with Chris that justifies anything stupid Nathan may do. I'm sorry but life does not work that way. Her mistake in the past doesn't means she should just sit back and twiddle her thumbs like a good little wife and accept anything Nathan gives to her. That's not right that some people think that. As much as I love my naley and as hard as it is to watch this situation. I just feel in my heart it all could have been prevented if Nathan just fired the ho. I understand his reasoning somewhat. But anyone with half a brain would not want their child in the presence of someone like Carrie. He should have known Haley wouldn't approve. Carrie should have been out on her ass long ago. Haley was in the dark about her behavior. Nathan promises to protect her and Jamie always, well then man up and do it. Stop talking and take action. The bitch has nearly** **succeeded at shredding your family. That rests solely on the shoulders of Nathan.**

Inside Of Me 

The thought her being near them disgusts me. I feel the bile rising in my throat, burning on the edges of my tongue. The woman I so blindly trusted with the most important things in my world wasn't who I'd thought she was. She betrayed me in the worst way possible. She tried to steal my husband, my child, my world. Was it my fault? Did I do something to deserve another woman trying to take my place? Was I not a good enough wife, a good enough mother? I ask myself these questions because my heart is breaking. It's torn in two trying to deal with this new reality of my fractured life, my splintered family.

I feel so alone like there is no one who truly gets me, who really understands. My son feels such a betrayal by me that he said some things that in my heart I know he doesn't mean. It still hurts to hear. Jamie's words killed me possibly more then anything. They sliced through me like a sharp blade to the heart. He hates me. He wishes that the women solely at fault for this was his mother. No words had ever tore me to shreds more then those. What do I do? What do I say to that? I desperately fought with myself to hide any heartbreak and tears as Jamie turned away from me. My own son doesn't even want to look at me. He thinks his momma is a bad person. She sent away someone he loves. He says this woman is the reason his daddy is happy, he's happy. Did I not make them happy was all I could think? I was such a bad wife and mother that they needed or wanted this psycho woman in their lives. The person that caused my pain was wanted by the two people who are my heart, Nathan and Jamie.

I was there, not her. She's taken my life from me whether I want to admit it or not. Her poisonous path of destruction left behind with me as collateral damage. She wanted my husband's love, my child's love. Does she have it? I secretly think that maybe she does. Not that I would ever doubt Nathan or Jamie's feelings, but I do. Maybe it's the fear in me that's driving this. The fear of waking one day to see my world is different from the one I thought it would be. She has them completely in her grasp, firmly in her grip. How long will it take before I'm on the outside looking into a family that doesn't belong to me anymore? I wonder.

Does this rage I feel inside have a way out? I just want to be happy. I can't seem to find that place of peace that was always so near, so attainable. For years my life seemed absolutely perfect. That all changed months ago bringing me here to this hell I can't escape. The joy of life no longer surrounds my heart. Sometimes I just want to lay in my bed and not face the world. I push myself to be better, to get up face the day. I know they need me. I don't have the luxury of sulking or pitying myself because life's waiting. So with my heavy heart, my dying soul, I smile perfectly as if nothing's wrong. Everything is wrong, but I can't show it. My son doesn't deserve a mother that can't see past the pain of her own heart. I can't let Jamie see that I feel dead inside as he continues to talk about her, praise her, want her. It kills me little by little with every word he speaks. It shatters me to the core of my broken soul.

I feel tears prick at my eyes as I try to contain them. Is this some cruel joke after the months of pain? Just when I had a chance to breathe it all came tumbling down once again. My husband holding back, afraid to tell me what's going on. In my mind I know he means well, but there is this small part of me that wants to know why. Why does he always feel the need to hide the most important things from me?

Why is it so easy for him to share secrets with other women then it is with me? I'm his soulmate, his always, his forever. Why am I always the last to know? He may not know it, but it makes me feel worthless. Nathan doesn't trust me really. That's what I think. It may not be the case, but what else am I supposed to feel? When the person that you love with everything inside has to continuously close themselves off to you, that hurts. Why won't he let me in all the way? I swallowed the pain of what that means over the course of my marriage. What I know it means is a pain that breaks me completely. It means that after all the promises, all the vows, all the work. He still doesn't have complete faith in me. What else could it be? It's a hard pill to swallow especially because I trust him with everything, even after all this.

. I even believed him after the whole shower fiasco. Was I upset and shocked? Sure. I mean who wouldn't be seeing the man they loved in such an intimate setting with another woman. But I believed him. Nathan would never cheat and under my anger I knew it. I just needed some time and space to wrap my mind around some things. That's why I wanted him out, not because I thought he was having some affair behind my back. I hope he understood that.

I knew she was lying when she told me things about her and Nathan. She says he loves her, he kissed her, watched her swim naked. I just want to rip her tongue out as she's spitting these lies in my face. The nerve of her saying such awful untrue things, just so that she could cause more pain. How cold, cruel, unfeeling of a human being she must be. I feel my stomach churn as I think of this woman having had my child in her care for a month. Would he have any long lasting affects of her being in his life?

My day has been hard. It has been filled with pain, heartache, fear, desperation, and lost. Had I lost my family? I need Jamie. I need to hear that he loves me and understands. I need to feel his little arms wrap around my waist like they have so many times before. I know it's hard to ask of a four year old, but I still need him because I feel broken. I just need Nathan so much. I need to be in his arms. I need to hear him say that we'll get through this, that he loves me, that everything will workout for us. Just a moment of peace before it falls again.

My worst nightmare is confirmed. His face says it all. All of what she said, all of what I thought were lies is true. My own husband allowed this monster to further beat me down. He let her have the means to crush me into nothing. I asked him was that everything, no words were spoken. His mouth remained closed. I thought it was enough. I thought it was his way of telling me there was nothing more I needed to know. I guess not. More hiding from me, more holding back. What am I to think now? If he hid this, is there more then what I know. Was there some affair? Did he secretly want her and was to scared to tell me? The cogs in my mind turn furiously, almost making me feel faint. I feel my knees weaken, my hands shake, my breaths quicken, my heart race. Sweat begins to pour from my glands as I watch him across the room send Jamie away for the evitable yelling that will happen.

Anger now coming out into words I scream to him. The days events of seeing my husband in the shower with her, my child's hate, her gloating behavior all feeding my rage towards him. It may not be all of his fault, but I can't see that right now. My hurt is way too deep for any reasonable thinking. He enabled her for so long. Why didn't he tell me from the start?

I just want it to be over. Please let it be over, it's not. Hit after hit, pain of pain. The screaming reaching to such a fever pitch that neither one of us see our baby boy gasping for air as he struggles to keep his head above level of our family pool. I just so happen to gaze quickly through a window to notice he's not there. The next moments passing in a semi blur, me crying clutching desperately to the one thing I think I still have left, Jamie. He nearly died and all I can do is cry and lash out to the closest person available. I snapped telling Nathan it's over. I can't trust him, not really.This marriage is over. I want a divorce.

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


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